I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
