Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
