So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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