you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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