We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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