new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
