I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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