Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
