Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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