I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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