just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
