You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
