we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he was CRYING into my vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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