If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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