come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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