I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
