I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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