You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
