oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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