Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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