sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize