my mouth tastes like poor choices
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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