he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
