I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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