I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
