I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
