By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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