sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize