The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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