I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
