you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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