No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is the high leading the old right now
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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