Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
