I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm passing your future prison.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Someone shattered a urinal.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
