I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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