We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
