if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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