life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
