Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
