Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
