ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
