hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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