don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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