Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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