you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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