Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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