I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
