I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I didn't notice because vodka
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
