I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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