cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
