he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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