So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
