my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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