Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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