Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
