We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
