Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
where are my eyebrows?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
