meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
