Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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