Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
