your parents love me but you hate me
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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