She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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