So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
